They Were Disowned Because They Were “Hybrid”
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“My dad disowned my brother and I because we are ‘hybrid.’ I am half Malaysian and half New Zealander. His family hates me and my brother because we are not full blooded, so eventually my dad was sucked back into his Malaysian lifestyle and started disowning us because we are not like them. He loved us at first, but because he had a falling out with our mom, he went back to his mother and I guess she brainwashed him into hating us. It was the worse feeling ever, being disowned.”
“I Was Born And He Resented Me”
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“My father never wanted a child, but my mom did. After nine years of marriage, she went off birth control and didn’t tell him. I was born and he resented me. I ‘anchored’ their ‘jet-set lifestyle’ of the 1960s with drinks, travel, and a carefree and wealthy young couple with no permanent home. He was forced to stay in one place, become a suburbanite, and he HATED it.
My mother drank to deal, and my dad’s verbal abuse was so harsh, I preferred his neglect.
When my mother committed suicide, I had no place to live, and had to graduate high school crashing on friends’ couches and guest rooms.
It’s been 27 years since I left my house. We do not speak. He lives in a very pricey condo on Mission Bay, with his new wife, luxury cars, and a 56′ yacht anchored in a private resort marina, so I doubt he has any regrets. I am doing okay, I guess.
I kind of wish I had a dad, because that seems cool, but I don’t really know.”
She And Her Brother Were Left To Fend For Themselves
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“My mom and dad got divorced when I was 3, so he was never really in the picture. My mom remarried twice, one was a great step dad, the other one was abusive to my mom.
One morning when we woke up for school, we walked out to the kitchen table to find a note from my mom. Pretty much telling us that she moved to Vegas with Steve (step dad at the time), me and my brother had 30 days to be out and the furniture was ours. This happened my junior year of high school, I am 23 now. It’s been about 7 years since I have last spoke with her.
The worse part of it all was just being old enough to realize what was going on. I would have much rather been super young with no clue.
My brother moved in with friends. I floated around between friends houses until mid of my senior year. My sister then took me in for the ending of my senior year, into college. It was a very hard moment in life, not having a mom or dad for support. Mom was not much of a support even when she was around.
She was pretty messed up now that I think about it.”
Their Mental Illness Drove An Immovable Wedge In The Relationship
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“They disowned me because they went crazy and couldn’t deal with reality.
My mother has not been right my entire life. When I was in grad school, she got caught stealing money. She tried to kill herself, and I was forced to help find her. After the dust from that mess settled and she realized she was going to be prosecuted by the state for her crimes, she started to convince my father that it was my fault.
I can’t tell you how many times I got screamed at by two grown and incredibly irrational people for something that I had nothing to do with. They are convinced that I turned them in, that it’s my fault, blah blah blah.
To be honest, I’m glad we aren’t speaking anymore. Years of abuse will do that to you.
I am doing better than both my parents ever have or will. People don’t understand how I could possibly want nothing to do with my family, but that is because they have never had to walk a mile in my shoes. I envy those people in some ways.”
When They Showed The World Who They Really Were, Their Parents Couldn’t Deal
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“I’m transsexual. It hurt, but I’ve come to the realization that they’re just not very nice people and I regret spending my whole life trying to win their approval when it was always an impossible task. They’re just ignorant, self centered, mean spirited people. They actually told me that they wish I had died on one of my six military deployments so that they wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment. I’m kind of happy that prior to coming out I was their proudest achievement. I don’t hate them, I would forgive all if they changed their minds. But now, I have far surpassed all of my previous accomplishments and will earn my doctorate by the time I am done with school. They will have a doctor in the family that they can’t tell anyone about and that makes me happy in some sadly sadistic way. My brothers, sisters, some cousins, and nieces and nephews are supportive. So I still have blood family, but my friends, along with one of my sisters are my biggest supporters and make life good. I have it better than most, so I can’t really complain. And I do have a pretty good circle of new friends that miss me when I’m not around. My individual life isn’t that bad. My heart goes out to those that have it worse. A lot of us get disowned, but it is happening less and less often as society is educated. Things are getting better. Everything would be almost perfect if I could just find a job.”
Her “Tough Love” Caused Her To Lose Years With Her Son
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“My parents split when I was 12, and my father left with his mistress. We had very little contact until he was dying. I was holding his hand when he died.
My mother kicked me out of the home when I was 13 because I refused to pretend to believe in her religion (Mormon). I wasn’t doing anything wrong, other than not going to the church functions, but she had read some book called ‘Tough Love’ and told me that her love for me was not ‘unconditional.’ She kept me away from my sisters, even lying to my eldest sister telling her I wasn’t interested in going to her wedding, broke my sister’s heart. Then my mother called me and told me my sister did not want me there and not to show up. That broke my heart too.
I didn’t change. But, my mother did. Fifteen years later, we were talking enough that we started having family get togethers again. Now we talk almost every day, and she visits for a week or longer at a time. She swears none of these things ever happened, but gets really upset about the ‘unconditional love’ thing and cries when I insist it happened. Her denial hurts still, but I would rather take our relationship as it is then go back to what it was like not having a family.”
The Phone Bill Was The Final Straw For Their Relationship
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“When I was in college around 2008, my mom decided the only way she was willing to help me was to pay my phone bill. Now, I had a job and was going to school full time, and gladly accepted the help, particularly as she was never really around when I was growing up. She had a bit of a pattern…Have a kid with a guy, then divorce him, and then go find a new dude. She started a new life every few years, basically.
Her only requirement was that I call her once a week. No big deal. So it starts off great. She ends up being in the area at least every weekend, due to my older half-sister just having surgery. We see each other every weekend, which makes the point of calling her moot. The calls were also literally 30 seconds: ‘Hey Mom!’
‘Hey Hon! Thanks for calling, gotta go!’ Woo whatever, yes, I basically stopped calling her. There wasn’t really a point, as we saw each other every week, and caught up then.
Then she notices that I’m calling my ‘prick’ father (who raised me from the time of the divorce alone) once a week because I get to see him solely on the holidays due to our schedules and she freaks out on me. I try to explain this all to her, but she won’t hear any of it and says she’s going to pay the rest of the month, but after that, she’s canceling my line.
I tell her to go ahead, because we’re both adults now, and have to live with the choices we make. She doesn’t like that and disowns me. We haven’t spoken in well over 6 years now, not that I particularly mind, though I hear she trash talks me every 3 or 4 months.”
He Can Never Undo What He Did, But He Tries To Make Up For It Every Day
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“I haven’t had a blood family since 1997. Basically the short, sweet version is, ‘There’s a hole in me that really won’t ever be filled without my family.’ I have my wife’s family, amazing people, and I have friends and of course my darling wife of 11 years, but I haven’t spoken with my blood relatives in more than a decade, almost two.
I was verbally disowned by my parents at the time and learned that I had been legally disowned when my father passed away in 2003. The copy of his will I received from their attorney stated only that I was not to be considered as his or my mother’s son and was to ‘inherit nothing of any kind for any reason,’ for reasons which I ‘know full well.’ They disowned me because I committed a felony crime, both involving the family and putting them at risk, as well as bringing unwanted publicity and attention at a time when my family was dealing with my father’s lung cancer and impending (we assumed) demise.
I was told after I was arrested, that evening in the police station, that I was cut off, and that I could expect to go through that journey by myself with none of their help. And in the almost two decades since, I have had zero contact with my father, mother and two brothers.
It’s tough. Especially not having people to go to in need, for family-type comfort, or for the little things. I really do feel what I threw away rather acutely. And yes, there was a financial aspect, which I do sometimes think about. But on the other hand, I started with literally the shirt on my back in 2000, released from prison, and have at this point managed to be successful, to use my talents to build a business, hire others in need, to pay it forward to others who need a hand, and to generally be a force for good in the world. And most of it I do to make up for what I did to become disowned in the first place. Not that my family specifically will ever know who or what I’ve become. And not to get ‘un-disowned,’ as that ship has sailed.
But it’s life. You learn and go on, or you don’t. I guess I chose to learn and to help others where I can. Best lesson I can teach, I guess.”
They Didn’t Approve Of Any Part Of Her Relationship
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“Not me, but a friend. Daughter of Japanese immigrants. She started dating a guy when we were around 18 or so and her parents were mad because she was younger than their allowed age (don’t recall the ‘right’ age). Anyway fast forward a few years and they get engaged, big blowout because he’s only half Japanese. She left home. Her parents didn’t show up at the wedding and last I heard, ties are pretty much permanently severed.”
His Marriage Tore The Family In Two, With His Mom Leading The Charge Against Him
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“I wasn’t disowned as a child. Not any easier when you are an adult (and a responsible one at that). It used to bother me, but looking at my life, if they choose not to be part of it, so be it. There is a lot said about us behind our backs that always makes its way to our ears from other family members. I am out of the will, property of mine in their possession was sold and I saw nothing from it. I was supposedly under the control of Satan, my wife was accused of doing ‘something’ to control me (for someone who doesn’t believe in Hinduism, and who believes her god is all-powerful, my mom sure does believe in Hindu’s ‘power’). All this was a huge drain on me emotionally and affected almost every aspect of my life. It was UGLY at one point. It has polarized relations, with some of my aunts and uncles rallying behind us and others that have also effectively disowned me.
The reason for this chaos? I am ‘Christian’ and my wife is ‘Hindu’ (well, our families were at any rate). Neither family took well to the whole ‘dual religion’ thing and then were even more horrified by the ‘no religion’ thing. But my wife’s family eventually came around. Mine was fine when they thought she would convert. Now, my mother doesn’t speak to me except for a few seconds at birthdays, Easter and Christmas and only because a sibling has me on the line. I suspect (or rather hope) that she wants to make amends, but things went just a little bit too far and she has too much pride to rebuild the bridge. My dad has (over the years) started to call often, but only when he is out of the house. Other siblings are stuck, possibly scared of the same thing happening to them. My child has yet to meet its paternal grandparents. I haven’t seen any of my immediate family in YEARS. Strangely enough, my grandma (even more fundamentalist in her beliefs) is fine and thrilled to have lived long enough to share time with her great-grandchild.
Given a time machine, I would not do anything differently or make different choices. However, I suspect that my parents would.”
She Was Blamed For Taking Her Sister “Down A Dark Path”
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“My parents have always forced my siblings and me to be very sheltered, even after coming of age. I got out on my own when I got married, and I started taking my younger sister out with me to fun parties and events. While she was out with me at an event, she met a very nice guy who asked her out, but the rub (not for me, but the folks) was that not only was he not straight, but he had a male/male tattoo on his forearm for all to see.
My parent flipped when they met him, and when my mom found out that they met from me taking her out, it was all my fault for ‘taking her down a dark path.’ My mom was constantly berating my sister about him, so I helped her move into my house to avoid the verbal abuse. A day or so later, right as I was getting ready for bed, my husband and I received near-identical texts from my mom saying ‘[sister]’s blood will be on your hands.’
Gave me a chill. We haven’t spoken in about 2 years. They approached us at a chance meeting at a restaurant not too long ago, where my dad gave my husband a non-apology for some harsh words that he said. Neither of them looked me in the eye or said a word to me.
I don’t regret it, though. They are such unpleasant people that I’m not surprised things turned out this way. Plus, my husband’s side of the family and my siblings are AWESOME. Plenty of love coming from those guys.
My sister still keeps ties with my parents. She is still with the same guy about two years later, and I think it’s safe to say at this point that my mom was dead wrong.”
“I Was Disowned By My Mother Not Once, But Twice”
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“My father ran off to experiment with illegal substances and playing in a rock band when I was three. His parents made it clear that they didn’t want me in their lives. In spite of this, I made some effort to stay in touch. I’m glad I didn’t try too hard. My father is now transexual and an ex-felon living on an island in the Pacific. She has now taken up the whole God thing in order to look more presentable to the community she still bilks on occasion.
Years later, I was disowned by my mother, not once, but twice. She has had problems with projecting her issues onto me in the past (illegal substances, money, and legal problems, etc. I’m not the one who had them, but she always acted as if I did). She also felt like I owed her something extra for having the privilege of her as a mother. The first time, she told me that I would have to leave home when I graduated high school at 17, or pay half the rent (and even then, only if I were enrolled in college full time). Kind of impossible for a ghetto kid who couldn’t find work in spite of looking for several months; being under 18 when graduating high school doesn’t help for this. The only person in three months of job hunting that treated me kindly was an Army recruiter, so you can guess what job I got. My mom then rescinded her pending disownership of me, because she had ‘just wanted to motivate me.’ I guess once things hadn’t gone her way (my magically finding scholarships, grants and a full-time job to augment her lifestyle), everything she said took on a different meaning, as in she didn’t really mean for me to take her seriously. I didn’t talk to her again until she started complaining to the Red Cross that she didn’t know where her poor girl was, so I was basically compelled to write her while I was in service, mostly to keep the Red Cross from bugging everyone under the sun.
Fast forward several years and some reconciliation. My mom is back to making demands of me, even though I’m not dependent upon her anymore. All of this came to a head shortly after my daughter was born, and my mom tried shaking me down for cash. I told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t getting what she wanted- I have my own kid, and my kid comes first.
A massive argument ensues. I and the husband take some time after to discuss it, we find a family counselor so we can all sit down and reconcile, and are going to get a hold of my mom when I get a letter in the mail- I’ve been disowned, I was never a good son, and lots of blame and recrimination, etc.
I tried seeing if anything was salvageable later, after the person once my mother (ex-mom?) had some more time to think about what she had done. By that time, she had rewritten the history of everything that happened in her head. I just couldn’t deal with the head games anymore, so I cut it off. She still sends me Christmas cards at my job (she has tracked me down every time I’ve moved jobs or homes) reminding me how much I meant to her, and could she see her granddaughter…”
It Was A Two-Stage Abandonment
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“When I was 2-years-old, my mum came home and found a letter from my dad saying he was moving back to Canada. He’d withdrawn all the money from their savings, leaving her with nothing. When my mum saw the letter, she chased after him and got to the airport. Ironically, one of the ways she convinced him not to leave is because he already had another kid he’d abandoned in Vancouver, and she reminded him that he’d have to face that.
They got back together and had another child (my other brother) before my dad broke down again, but this time he didn’t leave the country and was an alright dad. He had a few girlfriends, one was abusive to me, the other, when I was 10, was jealous my dad had other children, so I didn’t see him for a good while. I have an ‘ok’ relationship with my dad now, I love him, and I’m a forgiving person.
I met the child he abandoned in Vancouver, he’s 12 years older than me. I went out there by myself at age 17 and stayed in a hotel, then with him for a bit. We got along really well and keep in touch regularly. He’s actually pretty well known in the movie industry (special effects) so I got to go to his studio and see loads of cool stuff, it was awesome!”
He Can Never Tell Them The Real Reason For The Split
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“Mine disowned me because I split up with a girlfriend they adored. We split up because she had an abortion – there were no health issues, I owned my own house, had a good job, both mid-twenties. Long-term relationship. No drinks, illegal substances, gambling, or any other type of substance abuse. The problem was we were not married. Her parents ordered her too and she acquiesced to whatever they wanted. So she paid £300 to kill my child. Why didn’t I tell my parents? They were strict Catholics and it would have upset them greatly.”
Her Poor Choice In Men Drove Her Parents To The Extreme
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“I was disowned when I was 18. Wasn’t their fault, though, it was I who was being stubborn over a guy they didn’t like. Turned out, he was a full prick, smoking and getting wasted and cheating on me all the time, even spending my hard-earned money to pay women of the night.
I broke up with him when I was 20, and my parents accepted me back, but they still wouldn’t have me around until I learned my lesson. So they sent me to Beijing, seven hours away by flight. They sent me there without enough money to live upon. Well, it turned out to be the best experience I’ve ever had, but apparently, dad thought I would be so lonely and hard-up over there (seriously, he thought I was incapable of making new friends) that I’d come back crying and repentant.
Five years later, when my parents were finally certain I’d changed and matured, they welcomed me back into the family.
Sadly, I’m so used to living alone by now that I no longer want the family embrace.”
