“So I’m currently going through a nasty divorce. I left my wife about four months ago and moved into a house by myself close to work. We have a 4-and-half-year-old daughter which I haven’t been able to see for the last four months because my wife filed an injunction against me (nothing happened, it was just divorce tactics). Luckily, she recently came to her senses and dropped the injunction and now I have a 50/50 timeshare with my daughter- which starts next weekend.
Before we bought all these new rugs and set up my daughter’s room, I kept my cat’s litter box in my daughters room for the past four months while it was empty. After setting up her room I moved the litter box to another empty bedroom. Well, my cat didn’t like the fact that her box was moved, apparently, she had decided that room was going to be her room… and absolutely refused to use the litter box after it was moved. Instead, she would poop and pee on all the new carpets any time my mom and I were out of the house. The entire weekend consisted of the two of us deep cleaning the new rugs with strong cleaning products every time she would poop on one. Finally, I decided to put the litter box back in my daughter’s room (which is right next to mine) until I could figure out a solution. Trust me this is relevant.
Fast forward to Monday late afternoon. I had no plans that night so I spent most of the night on the couch binge-watching movies and drinking. Around 11:30 pm I was pretty hammered and stumbled to my bedroom, closed the door, locked it (because of monsters and vampires), and collapsed on my bed. I passed out instantly.
Around 4:30 am I wake up to the worst smell I think has ever hit my nose. It was so bad it actually pulled me out of my sleep. It smelled like a combination of poo, sweaty ball sack, ogre trash, and bleach all mixed together. My first thought was the cat took a deuce on the rug again. I ignored it, rolled over, and tried to go back to sleep, but couldn’t. The smell was that bad. Finally, I got up, unlocked the bedroom door and peeked out into the living room to see if she left a surprise on the rug. Clean. I looked in my daughter’s room and there was a nice turd in her litter box. So the smell couldn’t have been my cat (at least what I was smelling). I shrugged it off, closed and locked my door, and collapsed on my bed. I laid on my bed staring into the darkness for about 30 minutes trying to fathom what I was smelling. Maybe it’s a combination of my cat’s poo and all the cleaning products we used over the weekend? Maybe a pipe burst somewhere? Did I forget to take the trash to the curb and I was smelling all the stuff we threw away over the weekend? No matter what conclusion I came up with none of it made sense.
A little after 5 am I get up and walk to the bathroom and sit down to do my business. I browse Reddit for a few minutes on my phone until I’m done. I flush the toilet then collapse onto my bed. You know that draining sound the toilet makes after you flush it? I’m laying there on my bed listening to the toilet do its drain cycle until it finally stopped and I was in complete silence. That’s when I heard it…..a sniff and the sound of someone clearing their throat…from my CLOSET! I don’t know what happened but I immediately jumped into survival mode. I jumped out of bed, grabbed my phone, unlocked my bedroom door, grabbed my car keys, and bolted out the front door, and jumped in my car. I started the car and backed out of my driveway and into my neighbor’s driveway across the street. I shined my high beams at my house while I called the police. They were there within minutes. The cops approached my car and I told them there was someone in my closet. I slept in my birthday suit so the cops thought I was just some crazy guy at first but after two minutes of arguing they went in to investigate. They were in there for what seemed like hours and sure enough, they came out with a very skinny, obviously homeless man in handcuffs. They put the guy in the back of one of their cruisers and approach my car to ask me questions.
Apparently, this guy snuck in through the back sliding glass door while I was dropping off my mom at the airport. He admitted to looking for pills or something to pawn for pills when he heard me come home, freaked out, and jumped in my closet. The smell I was smelling was his terrible B.O. coming from my closet three feet away from me… This man was in my house the entire night! What if I didn’t smell him and opened my closet the next morning while getting ready? What if I had my daughter over that night? The whole thought gives me shivers.”