That Ain’t Pizza
“I lived in an apartment with a roommate. We had neighbors who would throw crazy parties pretty frequently often times during the week.
One day my roommate, who had to be awake early, had enough and decided to urinate on a metal pizza pan and stick it in the freezer. After a crazy party broke up, he pulled the pan out and flipped it upside down giving him a frozen disc of urine. He then slid the disc under their door where it would melt on their fully carpeted entryway.
I woke up to them shouting at the people who crashed there about who urinated on the floor and what the heck was wrong with them.
I wish I could say they toned down their parties, but they didn’t and eventually got evicted.”
The Finale Was Even Better Than The Plan
“When I was a kid, my family lived in a house on a street with GIANT oak trees. Because of the slope of our property, leaves from half the street would end up in our yard.
My mother had really bad asthma and allergies and made us kids rake up the leaves. This was not an easy task. They would get several feet deep if we didn’t do it often enough.
One day we raked the whole yard into these giant piles for the city to come pick up. It took several hours. The next morning they were scattered all over. We raked them again over several more hours and it happened again. Apparently, the neighborhood bully was knocking them over just to be a punk.
The next time we made a super huge pile around the fire hydrant hoping he’d kick them and hurt his foot. Nope, this time he decided to do a run and jump. I watched it peeking through the blinds.
He ended up breaking several bones.
I didn’t even feel bad.”
Dealing With The Worst Parker
“There’s a new truck in my apartment’s parking lot. It is always taking up multiple spots, ALWAYS. Weird angles, close to the stairs, all over the place (no assigned parking unfortunately). We endured months of this.
I drive a much smaller car than that, and I’m petty/passive-aggressive, so I’ve been waiting for my chance. A few days ago was my shot.
I got home quite late and there were zero spots open in my lot. The big truck is double parked again, but there’s just enough room on their driver side for me to sneak in there with my little clown car. I carefully pull in, making sure not to touch anything, no damage, no nothing. My passenger side mirror is half an inch from the truck’s driver side door. My car’s already a bit dinged up, so I wasn’t too concerned about the truck owner doing any damage to my car. I giggled to myself all the way back to my apartment and set an alarm and waited.
The following morning I wake up before the alarm to loud door slamming and stomping around. I check out my window and I see the double parking culprit walking around both vehicles, taking pictures, texting someone, taking more pictures, I’m shaking with glee. He then swallows his pride, let out a visual sigh, and climbs in the passenger side, clambered over the center console, and does a 20-point turn out of the spot.
Haven’t seen the truck in a couple days, thinking they might be street parking it from here on out. I’ve never been so proud of myself and my petty, passive-aggressive ways.”
Taking Out The Enemy
“I have a friend whose pumpkinHalloween display at the end of his driveway would be run over by the neighborhood punk. Happened every year.
My friend finally decided to put a stop to it.
He withdrew money from his savings account (we’re still in high school) so he would have enough to buy the largest pumpkin he could find. He went overboard to ensure the marauder would be very excited to see this peak of pumpkin-ness. We are talking about county-fair, blue ribbon-winning, 10,000-pies-sized pumpkin.
He also bought several large bags of Quikcrete. He filled that puppy up and made a really pretty display.
The punk broke the axle of his shotty car when he hit that pumpkin and could not drive away. My friend had the punk’s car towed away, too.”
He Bleached The Problem
“I lived in an apartment building with shared laundry.
There was one lady across the hall who would ALWAYS take my laundry out of the washer or the dryer mid-cycle and put it on the floor beside the machine so she could wash/dry hers. I have no idea what her issue was. It wasn’t because I left my clothes in the machine because I always set a timer on my phone being overly worried about germs from someone else touching my laundry.
I got really fed up with it one day when I went to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer and my soaking wet clothes were on the floor. I went back to my apartment, grabbed a bottle of bleach and went back to the laundry room and dumped it in her wash cycle (I knew it was her stuff because she always left her laundry soap on top of the machine).
She complained to the building manager and signs went up in the laundry rooms saying to not touch others laundry. She didn’t do it again and I moved out a couple weeks later.”
Spinning Out The Neighborhood Menace
“Years ago, I lived on a street that had another street branch off of it 2 doors down from my house. At the end of the other street were a group of younger dealers that rode scooters to do their business around town (I knew this because one of my friends bought from them on a regular basis).
All hours of the day and night these stupid scooters buzzed up and down the street. A couple of them didn’t have mufflers, so they were LOUD. I called the cops, but they were useless. I came up with the bright idea of spreading cinderblock grit (the material cinderblocks were made of) in the corner where the streets intersected.
This material was gray, and it was like little ball bearings when spread on the pavement. I got a bucket of the grit and proceeded to spread it all over the corner. About that time, I heard the buzz of a scooter coming down the street. I literally had to jump over a fence into some bushes to avoid being seen.
Scooter/dealer dude hit the corner and the scooter FLEW out from under him. Sounded like a car crash. No injuries, and just a broken mirror on the scooter. The whole bunch of them moved 3 days later and it started raining about a day later and most of it washed away.
Looking back on it, someone could have been injured, but they were dealers and they were a huge neighborhood nuisance.
I took care of the problem.”
She Parked In The Wrong Guy’s Spot
“I had someone park in my assigned covered space at midnight on a Saturday. This has happened more than once.
One time, I called management to have them towed. Management tells me they don’t tow anymore because they would have to pay because it was private property so, ‘tough luck.’
I parked behind them and blocked them in. There was a block wall in front. I left the neighbors each a note on their door letting them know if they needed to leave, knock on my door.
At 10 am, frantic pounding on my door, me in pajamas, some girl hysterical that she had to go to work and was going to lose her job. I asked her if she knew it was reserved parking, she said yes, it was midnight and there were no other parking spaces and she didn’t want to street park and walk because it wasn’t safe. I asked her why she was ok with making me park on the street and walk after midnight?
She told me she was going to have me towed. I laughed and went back to bed.
Management calls to tell me I am blocking someone in and if I don’t move, they will have me towed. I relate conversation from the middle of the night, the ‘tough luck’ part, and tell them if they tow me instead of the violator in my spot, I am going to sue them for failing to enforce the rules, endangering my safety because the reason I parked that way was because it was after midnight and ‘everyone knows it is not safe to park on the street and walk.’
I offer to wait for the tow truck then move so they can tow the ‘parking violator.’
Management tells girl ‘tough luck.’
She is back pounding on my door and screaming. People are now calling management about the lunatic ‘trying to break into someone’s apartment.’
The guy she banged the night before shows up to my door. The girl is at the bottom of the stairs crying so hard she has the hiccups. The guy apologizes profusely, said he didn’t know she parked in my spot. He apologized again and offered me money for my trouble.
I told him that wasn’t necessary, I was just waiting for the girl to apologize. He nodded, went downstairs, yelled at her and pointed up to me. She came upstairs and apologized and I moved my car.”
Ringing The Guy’s Bell
“I happen to be horribly rancorous. My upper neighbor in my previous apartment made noise every freaking night. He was unemployed and would invite people over and throw a freaking party every night.
One day I asked him to keep it quiet after midnight because I needed sleep and I get up early.
He told me to go eff myself because ‘those laws about that are old.’ What was I going to do, call the cops? They would have come, reprimanded this guy and he would have continued afterward.
The guy knew he could mess with me all he wanted.
When I moved to another apartment, mainly due to that, I waited a few months until it was winter and super cold. I made sure he still lived there by checking the name on his doorbell and mailbox. I bought a thing of super glue, went to his apartment at 6 am on my way to work, when it was freezing, pressed his doorbell in and emptied the tube of glue on it. The bell got stuck, forcing him out of his bed.
Forget that guy.
And I did it again a couple of times afterward too because seriously, he was the worst!”
He Got A Creeper To Call Her
“In the mid-’90s, I was living in a triplex in a fancy city neighborhood.
My new downstairs neighbor was a pure crazy woman. She was just rude to people. When I rescued her cat she grabbed the poor thing so fast that it scratched me and she didn’t even say thanks. Once, she sent my roommate, who struggled with weight, a note about his ‘fat footfalls keeping (her) up all night.’
This went on for a year.
The revenge was great.
I was up late one night, instant-messaging a colleague over AOL instant messenger, when some random guy mistook my gender-bent username as female.
Boy, did he pester me. For two hours, he KEPT SENDING MESSAGES. He just wouldn’t take ‘no’ (served dozens of different ways) for an answer.
Finally, I broke down – Yes, I said. Yes, I will talk to you. Here is my phone number.
I sent him the number of the crazy woman downstairs. Her phone rang in about two seconds. I heard her answer, and after about three seconds, she started yelling into the phone.
He called her back 3-4 times. Each time I heard the phone ring downstairs (thin walls) I would laugh so hard I’d almost cry.”
“During my college years, I lived off campus, but close enough to be around all the rampant partying.
There was this one girl, who just had loud obnoxious parties, any random day of the week, that would go ’til 5 am. The cops would come and go, but nothing would change. People jumping off of balconies, stomping games, it was just overtly absurd. The on-site building manager was a meek woman, who probably called the cops, anonymously, but didn’t have the guts to say anything directly.
At one point, this girl was on her 3rd-night of a party bender, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I drove to Walmart and bought some Vaseline. I waited until everyone had left and she was passed out on the front lawn. I could remember the sun rising.
I smeared a handful of Vaseline on her doorknob. I remember so vividly, the blood-curdling scream, the disgust, the unknown of her trying to get inside, but couldn’t. And gunk on her hands.
I watched it all go down from my room through the blinds and I could see the on-site manager talking to the girl, walking away with the biggest smile on her face.”
Mess With Her Spot, You Get The Horns
“When living in New York, my husband left for deployment right as winter started. I’m from Arizona, so snow was a new thing for me. Our neighbors were this horrible couple who thought the world owed them. The husband was an officer and they were both young, this is the norm in a military town.
One evening I come home from work to see about 3 inches of snow covering our parking lot and a handful of my neighbors are out shoveling. I get out and join them. They did a lot more work than I did but I did get my 2 reserved spots cleared. I moved my car in and went inside.
The next morning, when I leave for work, I notice the neighbors are parked off to the side as they couldn’t get into their spot without shoveling. When I get home from work, I go to pull into my spot but it’s covered in snow, like 6 inches of snow (it hadn’t snowed that day). Then I see the neighbor punks are parked in their perfect and clean spot. That’s when I realized they just shoveled the snow from their spot into mine instead of piling it to the side like normal people.
So I pulled off to the side and waited. They left at 2 am for a party. I went out and re-shoveled the snow from my spot into theirs and then our other neighbor’s snow into their spot as well, packed it down a little too. My other neighbor comes home around this time, sees what I’ve done and laughs and gives me a high five. He said they do this every time it snows.
I went inside, warmed up and went to bed. I was awoken at about 5 am to ticked-off screaming outside. I fell back asleep and woke up at 9 to even angrier screams because apparently, we had some heat wave between 2 and 9 that started to melt the snow and then another freeze that refroze it. So now they were dealing with ice.
They never messed with my spot again.”
This Guy Went Nuclear On His Neighbor
“I’ve had a long-standing feud with a jerkoff neighbor that started when he called the fire department for me owning a fire pit in my backyard when he’s not even on my block and I don’t even use it.
Then he went to the city library to investigate old permits on my house from 50 years ago leading to lawyer fees and several appearances before the planning board. This was all because I told him to eff off once when he came into my yard to complain about where I stored my trash can.
So far I’ve spread 5000 catnip seeds in his yard so all the stray/outdoor cats will flock to his house. I also superglued his windshield wipers down.”
He Made Sure He Knew Who He Was
“When I rented, the parking lot was assigned parking. My wife and I both had cars so I had to pay extra for the extra spot. First one was complimentary.
We come home around 1 am and some idiot is parked in my spot. Not having it, and not wanting to deal with an overnight parking ban on the street, I park behind him perpendicularly to block him in my spot. The spot next to mine was my landlords, who was the most chill guy I’ve ever rented from. I shot him a text explaining what I had done and to call me if he needed out before me in the morning. He laughed and said all was good.
After about an hour of watching tv, I go out for a smoke. I notice this guy’s car is running. I watch him frantically at 2 am looking around for who’s car is in the way. He sees me and starts complaining about it, not knowing it’s mine. He says he just wants to go home and doesn’t understand why some people gotta be such punks. I tell him maybe the owner of the car was mad because you were in his spot. I told him some people pay extra monthly for another spot. He gives up and goes back into his buddy’s unit. I go inside and go to bed.
I go out in the morning to go out for a bit and the guy is sitting on his buddy’s doorstep. I wave and get in my car and leave. Made that dude sit trapped all night till 9 am.
The look on his face as I entered my car was priceless.”
They Blew Their Collective Fuses
“When I was in college with a room in the dorms, a room on my floor would blare loud music at annoying times – even past the normal party range for the floor. Some of us had previously discovered that if you overloaded the fuses on one wall in a room, the room on the other side would also lose the outlets on the shared wall. And there were no outlets on the outside wall or the wall facing the hallway.
So one Friday night the plan went into action. The two rooms on either side of these guys had plugged tons of electronic gear into the outlets, all turned off. People had contributed things to help out. The music went up, and the other rooms flipped everything on.
Boom. Fuses tripped, offending room (and half of each of the two adjoining rooms) lost power. The dudes complained, other guys made comments about how it’s an old building, they must have finally ‘overloaded the circuits’ or whatever, and what with dealing with slow university electrician service on the weekends (they still had overhead lights, just no outlets), they decided to not push their luck again.”
He Took Massive Revenge On The Whole Neighborhood
“I received a parking notice on my vehicle telling me my car was abandoned and will be towed to a city compound for not being moved. My car was parked in one spot legally, is registered and insured, and was only there for 2 days. This was on a residential street in front of my condo.
When I noticed the slip on my window and went to investigate what it was, I noticed another person two condos over leering at me with a sense of accomplishment.
I called the city information line and explained the situation. They retorted with ‘anyone can legally call on any car and without the real knowledge if the car moves daily or not get a notice placed within the day. The city is just doing their job.’ I was frustrated but then asked the person if that was the case and without any investigation, l could theoretically call every vehicle on the street for abandonment and they would have to then just ‘do their job.’
They replied with, ‘seems like more trouble then it seems but sure,’ not realizing that my pettiness knows no bounds.
I did just that.
I took photos of everyone’s license plate parked on the street, entered each vehicle into my city’s online site and within two hours a city vehicle had shown up to unleash my devious plan.
While taking the picture of one of the cars, the person leering at me before came out his door and asked, ‘Why are you photographing my car? This is a private neighborhood!’ Whatever he was trying to say was obviously blinded by rage, and I just proceeded to give a devilish smile and walked into my unit.
My city worker hero called me, as you must provide loose info before entering vehicle complaints and I answered and explained what had all unfolded throughout the day, not leaving any parts out or any lack of info on what my part in all this was. He laughed, amused at what I had devised, and replied with ‘This is the easiest last two hours of my night, thank you for this.’
I laughed said no problem and went to sleep with every vehicle with a parking complaint.”