Going to a dinner party can sometimes be a little stressful. Although the invitation is nice, you don’t know what the person is making for dinner and the stress can be compounded when you are a picky eater. One thing I’ve learned through my years is that you shouldn’t cook steak for anyone unless you know how they like it prepared. Everyone likes their meat cooked differently. Some like it well-done, others like it practically moo-ing. Finding that happy medium is sometimes hard to come by.
The story that is to come is about a man, who we will call Jim, and the dinner party that takes all of this into account. Take it up a notch with the fact Jim and his wife were invited to dinner at his wife’s boss’s house from her brand new job. We are going to call her boss, Nancy, to lessen the confusion. First impressions were extremely important to Jim’s wife, and boy did he deliver and impression she and Nancy would never forget.
“My wife’s boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.”
After the first course and a mellow beginning of chitchat, it was time for the main course. Nancy went back to the kitchen and came back with big steaks for everyone. They weren’t just big steaks though, they looked evidently juicy, which can really go both ways. It may be juicy and succulent, or it could be juicing blood out and practically alive. Jim soon realized it was the latter when he went to cut into the steak and realized it “was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare”. Jim recounts that he “probably could’ve resuscitated the cow'” if he had tried.
He tried to come up with all the potential ways to get out of eating the steak, but the shear excitement he already displayed when the steak came out cut his excuses down. There are so many vegans now-a-days but he couldn’t claim that.
Nancy excused herself to go to the kitchen and prep some items for dessert.
“As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment… a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head. I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.”
Or so he thought…
“Here’s the big time FU. The window wasn’t open. It was the cleanest fricking window you’ve ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.
My wife – who’s steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament – turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.
My wife’s boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.”
“I just didn’t know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was ‘I… I’m so sorry. I am such a clutz… I don’t know… I was just cutting it.. and… it… … it slipped… just ask my wife, I really am a clutz… right honey?… (no help coming from that direction) … I will clean this up… I can’t believe this… I am so sorry’ etc… etc…
Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.
I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.”
The remainder of the night was quiet. Since the event, Jim’s wife only said two words via text “I’m fine”.
The incident did spark a true camaraderie between Jiim’s wife and Nancy and they managed to laugh about how big of an idiot Jim was. Sometimes with nerves and expectations, things just can’t go as you would hope. But the good news is that they have a funny story to laugh about now.