“The tale of Boris!
I bartend at a restaurant by the sea, it’s incredibly busy and we have a high attrition rate for managers. 12 in only two years. There has to be some kind of record.
Anyways, we have this new food runner. A handsome, slick-haired Scillian guy named Boris. He says he is going to be our manager but he has to run delivery for a couple of weeks before the job is open.
Over time I start to get to know Boris better. He is going through a divorce, in the process of selling his car, and likes to smoke weed. He keeps inviting himself to hang out with my friends and me which is kinda weird, but I mainly just ignore him because I don’t party with my bosses. Anyways, Boris sells his old Volvo to my buddy Joel. A few weeks go by and Boris becomes a manager finally. Time goes on.
So, plot twist, Boris is the worst manager second to this one lazy woman we work with. If I need something he will strike up a 15-minute convo with a guest, then delegate that stuff to someone else so it takes another 10 to get done. He is an awful boss and still keeps trying to hang out.
So, this all comes to a head on Pride weekend in San Francisco. I get to work at 6:30 am as I am the opening bartender. I look across the street to see four people at the beach. It looks like three highschool girls in rainbow get-ups and a homeless dude still partying.
I think to myself, ‘Dang still going at it. These people are crazy.’
As I’m opening up the bar, the weather gets warmer so I leave the bar to open the windows in the dining room. I now see the four people in our parking lot, talking to our lousy manager. I think nothing of it and get back to work.
A few minutes later the homeless looking on is standing at the end of my bar while we are still closed, and lo and behold it’s our glorious hero, Boris.
Now I’ve worked with Boris for six months now but I seriously couldn’t recognize him from 50 feet away that day.
He is in a filthy dress shirt and khakis. He turns around and there are brown poo stains all over the back of his khakis.
“What the heck, dude?” I thought.
Boris keeps babbling incoherently and it becomes blatantly obvious that this dude is definitely on some pills. He keeps going on and on, babbling more about how things are going to get much worse when he leaves the bar. The one lousy manager gets him some water and bread to probably sober up.
Boris disappears for a bit and my homie Joel gets to work. I try to tell Joel about what happened with Boris, but before I can get the words out Boris is back and asks Joel to borrow his keys.
For some reason, Joel throws Boris the keys. My eyes bulge at the sight as my interior voice screams out ‘Noooooo!’
This absolutely cannot end well.
Boris says he has to get ready for work and for some reason must go buy a suit from Neman and Marcus on Market street. So Boris leaves in Joel’s Volvo. We don’t see the guy again for two hours. That’s when I decide to tell Joel about Boris being on a bender for the past several hours. Naturally, Joel flips out at this news and starts desperately calling Boris. The thing is, it’s Gay pride Sunday, and the suit shop Boris is going to is in the middle of the parade route and is unreachable.
We start to worry for dear, crazy Boris.
Lo and behold, another two hours later Boris is back, but this time in a dookie-stained suit. Seriously, how does he keep doing this to his clothes?! The GM fires Boris on the spot. Boris makes a scene steals two bottles of spirits from the bar and proceeds to get completely wasted on the steps outside the bar.
So Joel and I finally get off of the shift and get the keys from Boris. Except Boris doesn’t remember where he put the car. We search all over San Fran but still no Volvo. Weeks go by, and we find out Boris crashed the car, broke the axels, and then Uber’d back to work. Thousands of dollars in repairs and tickets. My buddy Joel has to be the unluckiest guy.
But the great story of Boris isn’t finished yet! No sir! Epilogue: Boris got his divorce from a woman with whom he has children, then starts hanging out with my man-floozy bug chaser friend Tony. Short story long, Boris starts playing for the other team if you know what I mean, wink, wink. Somehow Tony converted this tough Scillian dude. Now Boris has HIV. The hero’s journey is complete.
What a spectacular burn out. Boris if you’re reading this I salute you, you wild beast of a man.”
