“Now this was a couple of years back when I was in college. My friend, we’ll call her ‘Susie’, and I were both going into our second year. So was her boyfriend, Brad. So Susie found out that she had ‘cold sores.’ The only guy she had ever been with was Brad. Naturally, she was devastated to find out he had been cheating. We found out that she was not the only one he infected. There were in fact at least FIVE other women we found out about.
We also found out Brad had KNOWN that he was positive and still going around hooking up with women while saying that he was healthy. Basically, his attitude was that someone gave it to him, so why would it be wrong for him to spread it too? Yeah, Brad was a jerkoff of epic proportions.
Susie was just devastated and couldn’t get out of her funk and what she now had to deal with health-wise. She didn’t want to file charges as it would become a public record. We did report him anonymously to the CDC. But we needed to do more.
There is an urban legend where as revenge, a woman hid a shrimp in her cheating boyfriend’s curtain rods when she was forced to move out of their apartment. This story has been featured on many shows about urban legends. It just so happened to come on late one night when I and Susie were watching tv.
The only problem was that Brad had five roommates. So there was no way that was going to work. But wait, Brad had a car! And Brad was too broke to afford a new car anytime soon. She knew the door code to unlock the vehicle and I just so happened to know how to remove certain vehicle panels to access holes in other panels that it would be impossible to get shrimp out of. Plus he worked the early shift on Wednesday, lucky us, it was Tuesday night.
So off we went to the store to buy the clearance section of meat and seafood out. We were talking ground beef, shrimp, imitation crab meat, various kinds of fish, and deviled eggs.
Oh, and during this lovely time of September, our little town was experiencing a triple-digit heatwave. So off we went in the middle of the night, when it was still 90 degrees out, and got to work. Luckily for us, Brad lived in a lame apartment with no security cameras and other tenets who didn’t care about two women working on a vehicle at one am.
Sure enough, the door key code still worked. So we popped out the little covers on the doors panels that access the interior of the door. In went the tiny little shrimps. Then we removed the plastic panels from the wheel wells. And in went some ground beef and deviled eggs. Next was his liftgate, you get the idea.
We put his car back together and off we went. Over the next few days, the smell just got worse and worse. The apartment complex manager asked him to move the car off-grounds because of the smell. Our town also had some mean feral cats that roamed around, they just loved hanging around his car. So not only did it stink, but he risked being attacked by some mean feral cats. He would have to always have the windows cracked open at least a little.
The best part was Brad and I had the same major. So over the next three years, I saw him a lot. He became notorious for his horrible-smelling car. He couldn’t afford to replace it, no one would buy it, no matter how many times he had it cleaned the smell remained, and no one could figure out where the odor was coming from. Even if they had figured it out most of the panels would need to be completely replaced because the only access is tiny holes.
To this day people still ask him about his car on social media. Like, if he says he will pick people up, they ask him if he has a new car. Nope. It is still the stink mobile. He currently works at Starbucks, so that thing isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Kind of like his cold sores.
I like to think of this as my ultimate Sherlock Holmes-level petty revenge/prank. I will never top the awesomeness of this one, it was my masterpiece.”